Tips For Dirty Talking Like A Pro

True story: I once dated a guy who compulsively grunted “Oh yeah, you like that? You like that?” almost the entire time he was on top of me. And no, I did not like that.

What I would have liked is if he had been a little less generic and repetitive. And since studies show that couples who get verbally nasty in bed report increased levels of intimacy and relationship satisfaction, I think it’s safe to say that knowing how to talk dirty is an essential component to good sex. Thing is, as Mr. You Like That proved, it’s not always easy for some guys to do — or to do well. So here are some basic, lady-friendly rules to get you started …

RULE 1: GIVE A PLAY BY PLAY

If you’re a newbie to dirty talking, one of the easiest, least intimidating ways to initiate it is to simply describe — in positive terms — what’s happening in the moment. Simple stuff like, “It feels so good to be inside you,” or “It drive me insane when you put your mouth there” should work just fine. But be selective about what actions you narrate. “It’s so hot when you pause to remove a pubic hair from your mouth” will not have the desired effect.

RULE 2: COMPLIMENT HER ASSETS

You really can’t go wrong if you use your dirty talk to praise her body. Something like, “Your breasts are amazing,” or “Your ass is unbelievable,” or “You taste so good,” or …  well, I could keep going forever. There is one rule, however: Make sure the compliment actually applies. Don’t talk about the huge rack of a smaller-chested lady, or the round butt of a woman who’s more pancake than Biel-luptuous. It’ll just make her self-conscious about that body part — and make her think you’re full of sh!t.

RULE 3: CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY

Words like slut or p*ssy can be hit or miss. Some girls really get off on being called a slut in the heat of the moment, while others will be so offended they’ll be dressed and out the door faster than you can add, ” … but in the good way!” My advice: Do not use controversial language unless she uses it first.

RULE 4: GIVE X-RATED INSTRUCTIONS

Another way to get her into the dirty-talking spirit is to tell her exactly what you want her to do: “Strip and climb on top of me,” or “Touch yourself for me.” This also creates a bit of a submissive/dominant dynamic, which can be really hot if you’re both into it. Since you won’t really know until you try, I recommend easing into this kind of thing at first. Start with a less demanding command, like whispering “Keep moving your tongue like that.” Depending on her reaction, you can decide whether or not it’s a good idea to up the ante.

RULE 5: INITIATE A NAUGHTY Q&A

Questions like “Does that feel good?” or “Do you like when I touch you like this?” can help get the ball rolling. And if you find yourself on the receiving end of these questions, know that a grunted “Uh-huh” or a bland, “Why yes dear, that does, in fact, feel good” are not acceptable answers. Have a little gumption! Try “That feels so f*cking good” or “No one has ever touched me like that before” so she knows she’s not in bed with a corpse — and that you think she’s better in bed than one.