11. “DRUNK” IS A PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING
“No, no… It wasn’t ME who set fire to the cat and crashed your mom’s Volvo, it was Drunk Me. But he’s gone now. I strangled him. Yay!” According to Superman III, this is a valid argument. So long as you treat the drunk prick you become when you’ve had too many as your own Tyler Durden, you can get out of doing anything. Thanks, Superman!
12. PETS ARE A BIG RESPONSIBILITY
Superman teaches us that choosing the right pet is important, and not to go overboard. A super dog? Cool. Who doesn’t love a dog? What’s that? You want a super cat, too? Fine. Krypto’s pretty well-trained, shouldn’t be a problem… a monkey? Well… we don’t — hold up, a flying horse, too? OK, that’s enough, Superman. You’re cut off.
13. READ THE FINE PRINT
If, say, you’re on the verge of creating the world’s first modern superhero and in doing so changing the course of comic book history forever, you should not do it as a freelancer. Because they were technically work-for-hire hacks, Superman’s creators Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel basically lost all rights to their world-changing icon to what would eventually become DC Comics for roughly two pieces of Hanukkah gelt and a wish (adjusted for inflation). Always check the fine print.
14. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE
Love can make you do a lot of stupid things – the worst of which is trying to change who you are in order to win over the girl of your dreams. In Superman II, Kal willingly de-powers himself in order to enjoy a simple, human life with Lois. The only problem is, by erasing all remnants of Superman, Lois is left with… just Clark. Wimpy, mild-mannered Clark. And that’s BORING. It only takes a few minutes and a diner ass-kicking before both parties realize this was a huge mistake and Supes goes back to being Supes. A tiger can’t change its stripes, because a stripeless tiger is just endlessly punchable for some reason.
