Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer aren’t just forever linked because they were once young, rising New York politicians. They’re linked because of what they did with their dicks. Ex-Congressman Weiner was busted for tweeting pics of his package and shaved, chiseled chest to a college student who wasn’t his wife. Also, he tried to lie about it after he was caught, but he eventually resigned. Ex-Governor Spitzer shelled out an estimated $15,000 for high-end hookers over a six-month period, then resigned when he was caught.
Anyways. They’re now running for New York City mayor and city comptroller, respectively.
So how the hell are these disgraced politicians looking to win over voters after they were forced to vacate their former positions of power? By coming clean about their misdeeds on the daytime TV circuit — which so far has included a fantastic near tear-up from Spitzer — and praying people forget they acted like scumbags. (We say that not because of the sexual stuff — we don’t judge them for that — but because of the lying and the hypocrisy.)
So does Weiner or Spitzer have a better shot at winning his race? Well, we ran the numbers — uh, figuratively speaking, of course — and came up with an answer …
DESIRE
Spitzer: To be entrusted with New York City’s $70 billion budget and $140 billion in assets… despite the fact that he once spent thousands on hookers
Weiner: To be entrusted with the most powerful position in New York City (other than New York Yankees shortstop) … despite the fact that he, you know, tweeted dick pics to college kids
Winner: Weiner
POST-SCANDAL NICKNAME
Spitzer: Client-9
Weiner: Weiner
Winner: Spitzer
NOTABLE COMPETITION
Spitzer: “Manhattan Madam” Kristin Davis, who supplied Spitzer with escorts (seriously, she’s running)
Weiner: Actor Kelsey Grammar (potentially)
Winner: Weiner
FAVORITE WAY TO ENGAGE WITH VOTERS
Spitzer: Intimate meetings at reasonably priced hotels
Weiner: Twitter (sans DMs)
Winner: Spitzer
LESSONS LEARNED FROM SCANDAL
Spitzer: Always pay cash
Weiner: Always clear browser history
Winner: Spitzer
MOVIE THAT MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLES HIS LIFE
Spitzer: Pretty Woman
Weiner: Election
Winner: Weiner
GO-TO LOOK OF REGRET
Spitzer: Welling up on national TV and/or staring at the floor with narrow, pursed lips
Weiner: Staring at the floor with narrow, pursed lips
Winner: Spitzer
RESULT
By a score of 4-3, Eliot “Client-9” Spitzer!
