EAST
1 Indiana
Hoosiers coach Tom Crean is a maniac who attacks opposing coaches and seems incapable of smiling. Instead, he just contorts his face in a grotesque mask of pain.
2 Miami
It would shake the foundations of college athletics to have the Hurricanes be good in basketball and terrible in football.
3 Marquette
Coach Buzz Williams looks and acts exactly like you’d imagine a guy named “Buzz” would look and act.
4 Syracuse
The Orange shall be held karmically responsible for destroying the Big East as we know it.
5 UNLV
UNLV games are off the board in Sin City. And there’s no way the International Association of Gambling Comptrollers will let a team people can’t bet on in Vegas get far in the Tourney.
6 Butler
The Bulldogs have had their turn with back-to-back national title games a few years back. Time to let someone else have some fun.
7 Illinois
Any school in the same state as Northwestern University is doomed to fail.
8 North Carolina State
The Wolfpack were one of the most disappointing teams in college basketball this season, falling quickly from their preseason top-five perch. It ain’t gonna turn around in the Tournament.
9 Temple
The Owls are slinking back to the Big East, which kicked them out a few years ago for being terrible at football. Bad juju all around.
10 Colorado
The Pac-12 isn’t good enough to send a middling team deep in the Tournament.
11 Bucknell
Even though forward Mike Muscala is a potential first-round pick in the NBA draft, he’s not enough to carry the Bison.
12 California
(See above: Colorado)
13 Montana
Their top scorer, Mathias Ward, is out for the year. So unless they replace him with an angry grizzly bear or a rutting moose bull, they’re screwed.
14 Davidson
Stephon Curry isn’t around for any more 3-point heroics.
15 Pacific
Coach Bob Thomason is retiring. And he’s going to get started early.
16a LIU Brooklyn
Brooklyn basketball teams now need to be closely associated with Jay-Z if they want people to care.
16b James Madison University
The school is named for one of the presidents people barely even remember. So unless they’re playing Millard Fillmore College, JMU isn’t winning anything.
